Awhile back I wrote a very personal piece about my issues with anxiety and Hip Hop and how this site and the music has helped getting me to a better mental place. Well like it was a cathartic experience. Putting myself out there like an open book was the right move for me. The feedback and support was beyond incredible. I’m blessed to have such a great group of friends the world over.
It’s made me look at myself in the months since I posted it and really think about what I want from life. I broke it down in a simple fashion recently to a friend. I explained that in my opinion happiness wasn’t an achievable concept. It’s something we all strive for but how many of us truly reach it? That got me thinking on another level again. If I have to say “Im Happy” does that not counteract the concept of happiness? If I’m in a good place shouldn’t it be obvious to those who know me? By saying I’m happy I’m I not just telling myself that? I’m I in fact lying to myself, creating a fake illusion of me to project outwards?
This lead me to another thought. Are the things that I do on a daily basis truly reflecting me? In a lot of cases no, the work I do isn’t a true reflection of me one little bit. It’s not who I am. I do it yes but why? It’s for the money yes, but I can get other work and the money will still look the same as it comes out the ATM won’t it?
I’m making changes this year. I’m changing direction so that when you see me you’ll know that I’m in a good place, that things are going in the right direction for me on a personal level. I’m never gonna be a career dude thats a fact. I’ll do what’s needed to put money in my pocket and take care of mine, always have and always will.
I think it’s safe to say that in 2014 I have found my sense of purpose, the internal compass has finally found magnetic north and its clear where I’m heading on the horizon. I guess at this point I should say what I see on the afore mentioned horizon huh? Well I see a writer, a man that at 35 years of age knows what makes him feel right and complete, the purpose he’s been searching for subconsciously.
He’s a man who has found confidence in the words he uses and now wants to take a journey. A journey that will lead him off in different exciting directions. Now the man knows that the journey won’t be a straight forward one, he expects many bumps and dips but is ready for them because he knows that nothing in life is worth having without struggle. The struggle will shape him, make him stronger and sharper with his chosen craft. The man is me. I’m becoming a writer. It’s my dream and I’m going to make it my reality. It will take time but thats a good thing. It’s ironic that from having a mental breakdown I can now see clearly what I want. Thank you anxiety for lighting my true path for me. I bet you thought you’d won hadn’t you? Well you got that wrong. I’m in control of me now. It all starts from here. I hope my ramble makes sense to the few who read this.